Reflection 1.0: Unbend I, Mislay C

A personal application from Roy Hession's The Calvary Road tackling about "Brokenness", taken from the Author's journal. Written in ink on November 6th of 2015.
                   Just last week of October, I was in a state where I desperately wanted to run away from God. That week, I knew that I have disobeyed Him. I have compromised a lot of things, replaced the things of God for the things of this world just so I could accomplish stuffs in the most convenient way—that is, academic requirements. I need not to elaborate them because for sure you have your own version too; we all have. I also knew at this point that I am not right with God even though I am active in Church being part of volunteer ministries and attending services. I could not acknowledge it because, I felt just fine. Those days, He has been whispering to me—this still small voice I have been hearing but I could not listen to. I chose to deny His voice. I could not change the fact that the feeling was heavy, but somehow it was tolerable. Tolerable—that was the signal, a painful signal I realized afterwards. Because it only meant one thing—that the big “I” is still present in me and a bent “I” has not yet fully been bend. The hardest part is the reality that I was able to tolerate what God wants because I have chosen my will over His.

            I was not able to manage and balance my time so well—for my academics, volunteer ministries and most especially for God, that I started to lose focus on Jesus and lose the very purpose why I do what I do. So far, for the very first time in my college life, I experienced sickness and it was not just physically but emotionally, intellectually and spiritually above all.

Things began to shake and crumble to the point of not knowing how to properly respond to this current situation. That was the time when I realized and was real to me that BEING A CHRISTIAN IS COSTLY. Costly because I have to constantly die to myself. I was in so much pain that I wrestled with God. I was bombarded with a lot of thoughts so I had to ask God, “What do I do to make it right with You?” I was so ashamed to myself for being able to do all those things to Him in spite of my undeserved identity of being called His daughter, His own and His disciple. I even said to God that I wanted to fix myself first before going back to Him, as if I could do it on my own. How prideful I am.

            Why is it so costly to follow You? Why is it so hard to obey Your Word? How do I start all over again? Then, He answered with a resounding "NONE, my dear. You need not do anything to be right with Me, My child. JUST BE STILL." This was one of the many times that I find God difficult to understand; this STILLNESS He has been telling me of is a lot harder to do than to do something. But, WHY? I guess, it is because I have the tendency of repaying something through deeds.

           

This is my journal I started writing on
just this November, 2015. An old notebook
I reused and creatively covered,
labeled it with a verse that reminds me
what God says of who I am in Him.

            The portion of that ME ME ME was the problem to really start with. The "I" that makes CHRIST die enslaved me from seeing the perspective of God. I have positioned myself again in the center—to the very seat and throne of God. It was all about me again. The never-ending and never-consuming of making myself so valuable as if the world revolves around me that I have considered CHRIST unable and unwilling for me to grow more in Him.

The back cover. I chose these words to
continually be aligned with
God's will for me, no matter what.

            The unyielding Lorie Mae who had thought that “I” has died already was brought back to the reality that BEING BROKEN IS BOTH GOD’S WORK AND MINE. I have to constantly experience pain in order for His revival to take place. Unless this struggle has no revelation of daily death to self, God could not fill me completely with His holy presence. Living out the victorious life God has marked me means admitting that on my own I cannot fix myself, on my own I cannot have a peace of mind and assurance in heart. Only God can mend the brokenhearted, the un-assured. Only He could give me joy that nothing could ever steal away. Only He offers a life that is full.